Fear really is the mindkiller

ACLS training today. That's Advanced Cardiac Life Support--it's where you learn how to shout "Clear!" and deliver a shock; or, "One milligram of epinephrine!" Just like TV. (Except, you shouldn't shout.)

I passed the written part of the exam with 100% of the questions correct (not a super hard test, and my result was shared by many present, but still, it was satisfying). Then we went downstairs to do what the American Heart Association calls "Megacodes" which inspired some of us earlier in the day to keep saying "Megacode!" at random times during breaks. (Well, mainly me, actually. But I'm sure that others wanted to.) The megacode involved standing with a mannequin and a bag-mask and a defibrillator; while an instructor ran us through a basic simulation of cardiac or respiratory emergencies.

I was the first to volunteer to be a team leader, and it was brutal: I couldn't remember whether the pathway we were on led to adenosine or atropine. The sonic similarities of the two drug names caused me to merge these two drugs, which are not at all used for the same things. In the larger sense, I did the right thing in that I knew I was in doubt and asked my team members--who said, no, it's not adenosine. And though I was then able to say, "OK, right, atropine 0.5 mg IV"--still, I was miserable at the end.

The schedule isn't actually out yet, but I have reason to think I'll be starting in the ICU next Saturday. If it's true, that means I'll be on the code team starting within the first three days of internship. As long as my resident answers the code page as fast as I do, I'll be fine: I'll take orders, bag-mask, do compressions. We'll sprint down staircases in our scrubs, and as long as my resident is running right there beside me, I feel more or less ready. Excited, even.

But if the resident is in the bathroom? Doesn't hear the code page? Is dealing with some other emergency? It's unlikely, but I fear being, for even a minute or two, the only MD in the room. Because we are the ones with prescribing capability, we end up being the people who call for drugs. And therefore, the MDs generally become the team leaders. Even, it seems, when my ACLS instructors who work as respiratory therapists or nurses are also on the team. (I wanted to ask, "Seriously, you started working as a respiratory therapist when I was two years old, and I'm one of the oldest interns in the place, and I'm the one who's supposed to run the code?" But it didn't seem like the right time or place for that conversation; I'll save it for a night in the ICU when there is time and quiet.) Thankfully, asking for help is encouraged. As long as there are other people there--and if the code cart and the drugs that freak me out are also there, that means that someone else will also be there--I will be OK.

Still, mixing up the drugs when I was suddenly on the spot and feeling nervous was scary. That in turn made me upset and worried enough that I started having a hard time concentrating on the next cases and on what the instructor was telling us after I was done. I actually said to myself: "I will not fear. Fear is the mindkiller" in my internal Kyle Maclachlan voiceover voice, and with that, I was able to force myself back to the present, to the work in front of me.

Also I went around and talked to a couple of people to see if I could find a way to do some simulator sessions before internship starts. I want to pound on some mannequins, and see if that helps.